How to Have Sex With a Blog — a Manual
Wait a minute! First things first, your safety is the most important, so don’t forget the condoms (electronic ones are called A.kis.met). All right, you may proceed!
As mentioned in The Seven Deadly Sins of Blogging, having sex with a blog is a thing! Which pill will you choose?
- the red one will bring the blog to the material world,
- the blue one will leave you inside the digital matrix.
In the best of the red case scenarios, you’re a talented and charismatic art student. Thanks to your animal magnetism, you’re able to convince several of your comrades to take part in a porno movie where the actors, while physically performing, will be delivering lines coming straight from the blog. Sounds, looks, tastes and feels amazing.
Pro-tip: Since you’re on a tight budget, don’t hesitate to be an actor as well as the director.
If you’re a talented artist, albeit with a repugnant personality, go for papier mâché! Print the whole blog, seriously, everything, and make a papier mâché doll out of it. Might even be used as your final year project (might as well be rejected).
Based on my (extensive) research, if you’re not an art student, three packages are still available to you:
- Platinum package — buy a top-notch real sex doll (or romance doll) and have all the posts of the blog recorded, you can even choose the voice.
- Standard package — get a text to speech voice reader and masturbate along as the voice of your (limited, this is standard not premium) choice lulls you.
- Kinky package — ask your partner to read or recite the blog next Saturday night (fever).
Should you feel like Royalty and take the blue pill that goes so well with your blood colour, don’t worry, several options are as well for grab.
The easiest, admittedly not the most hygienic, is to lick your screen. Personally, I don’t recommend it, not these days.
Time consuming but efficient is to like, comment, share, reblog anything that’s published on/by your love interest. Appreciated at first, these signs of attention can sometimes be perceived as stalking. Be careful, try to moderate yourself. Enjoy the orgasmic pleasure of your comments being liked or replied to. But don’t read more than thrice a day the said replies. No need to over-interpret either by the way, sometimes a blogger is just tired.
Pro-tip: if you’ve got the financial backup, pay for promoting the posts of your blog interest on different social platforms.
Final, and maybe best way of having sex with a blog is to reach technological singularity before anyone else and upload yourself in the interweb. There, you’ll be able to mix your zeroes with its ones!
